…..someone once asked me if I had ever prayed and cried out to God in “anguish”…I had to think about it. I had certainly cried out to God in defeat, hopelessness, fear, and joy….most of my prayers aren’t “life or death”, they are mostly “God, please help me find my left shoe because I’m late and if you don’t show me where it is I am going to have to go to church with one bare foot!!”……I realized that I had never cried out to God in “anguish”…..until now.
I have this amazing friend that God brought into my life several years ago named Shawna…she moved in across the street during a very difficult time in my life. I always tell her that God moved her there just for me because I needed her. She makes me a better wife, a better mother, and a better person. We have gone through a lot of “seasons” together but we weren’t prepared for the next season that God brought into our lives…it is a season that neither one of us will forget.
Chad’s condition worsened and the infection began to attack his heart and that caused problems for his organs. He needed heart surgery to repair the damage but his Kidneys had begun to fail so the doctors had to wait until they got healthier. While waiting, Shawna had asked us to pray for the surgeon who would be doing the surgery and for God’s timing.
Shawna told me that the night before the surgery she and Chad had stayed up most the night listening to worship music and praying together. Chad loves music and they prayed until they both had peace about the next day.
We all assumed the surgery would go flawlessly. It was planned to take 6 hrs. At 5:40am I text them and told them I was praying for them. At 9:57am Shawna text that they had found more damage on a different part of Chad’s heart. She asked me to pray for Chad’s failing kidneys and for the surgeon. I told her that I was on my knees. By 3:15pm I sent a text saying “I’m going to assume that Chad is out of surgery and all is well”….her response made me uneasy “No….he isn’t…no word..I’m going back to my room to read the passages we have been believing” I asked her if she was doing ok and she said she was and I told her how proud I was of her for being such a strong wife and mom through all this.
I began to get concerned and thought perhaps I should go up to the hospital because the surgery was now going on several more hours than planned……then my phone rang. Shawna’s pic popped up on my screen and relief flooded through me because I thought she was calling to tell me that Chad was out and everything was a success!….I answered and all I heard was fast panic breathing…
Me: “Shawna? What’s going on?”
Shawna: “Katie!”
All I could hear was her hyperventilating…..I couldn’t understand anything.
Me: “Shawna, slow down, I can’t understand you.. what’s going on?”
Shawna: ” You have to pray!!! Call everyone you know to pray! The surgeon just came out and Chad is bleeding uncontrollably…(heavy breathing)…he said if they can’t get it to stop.. he is going to die…Chad’s going to die!..please pray for the surgeon!!!!”
The surgeon had left the surgery to come out to tell her that there wasn’t much hope. He said,”This is catastrophic; Chad is oozing blood from everywhere, and when we touch his tissue , it crumbles. We are not able to stop the bleeding”
I was trying to process everything that she was saying…this couldn’t be happening…for a brief moment I thought, “Is she trying to play a trick of me?”
She was falling apart and I had to keep it together so I said the only truth I knew “Shawna, God is bigger than the surgeon and NOTHING is going to happen outside of Gods will. I will call my prayer warriors and we will be praying.”
I had a 1.5 hr drive and within that drive…that’s when I experienced “anguish”. I cried out in sobs “Please God!! Please don’t take him! Please don’t let Chad die!”…my mind wondered to his children…he was their world…little Reese was “daddy’s little girl” always excited about going on “daddy/daughter” dates together. Brendan shared Chad’s passion for sports and they had a “father/son” bond that had always been visible. How was Shawna going to tell them…they were at home with their uncle happy and clueless that their daddy was barely clinging to life….their little lives were going to be shattered.
What was I going to say to Shawna? What could I say? This was so much bigger than me..I couldn’t fix anything..I couldn’t make it all better…so the answer was simple…I wasn’t going to say anything, I was going to cry beside her…I was going to mourn beside her.
My pastor called me and I sobbed to him “They said he is going die….Chad can’t die, he just can’t die”…his answer was gentle and he said “Katie, this is where your faith comes in…you have to choose to have faith” It was at that moment that a message he preached a few weeks ago came flooding into my mind. A man brought his son to Jesus to cast out a demon because the disciples were unable to…later the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn’t cast out the demon and Jesus said “You didn’t have enough faith….I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say this to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible”…I didn’t want to be like the disciples who didn’t have enough faith…I wanted to have faith and confidence that God was in complete control…I wanted to have faith that Chad was going to live.
When I got to the hospital I found Shawna in a room sitting in a chair. I don’t think I have ever seen someone so “broken”…. I dropped to my knees in front of her and I said “Shawna, God’s got this”…we held each other and cried and placed our faith in God. For the next several hours while the doctor was fighting for Chad’s life we prayed and sang in that little room. We proclaimed promises of strength and healing through scripture. When we didn’t know what to pray we worshiped and let the Holy Spirit pray for us.
I still don’t know why I picked the song “Cornerstone”….maybe because I had just sang it for my church the week before…all I know is that it was on my mind . It talks about how our hope and trust is in nothing of this world but in Christ alone. When I played it Shawna and I sang it together with our hands lifted…..later she told me that Chad had found that song and they had listened to it the night before his surgery…when I played it that night she felt like it was God assuring her that He was there and it gave her peace.
in the Saviors love
After 12 hrs of surgery we got the call that the doctor was waiting for us. Shawna looked at me and said “Don’t you leave my side” and she wrapped her arms around my waist and clung to me as we walked down the halls. The walk seemed like eternity but with each step we took I kept telling her that no matter what they say “God’s got this”. We sat next to the doctor.. Shawna was shaking and she had her arm wrapped around my leg….I held her tight praying. He explained to us that Chad was in ICU…and although he was alive, he was very sick. Chad’s heart was severely damaged and every time they touched it, it crumbled and started bleeding. They couldn’t “stitch” up the problem to stop the bleeding because the tissue just kept seeping blood and Chad’s heart still had a leak because they still couldn’t get it completely stopped. They had stopped his heart twice for a very long time and his Kidney’s were “dead” because of it. He explained that often when they try to save the kidneys, they lose the patient so they made the decision not to save them. He told us that they would have to start dialysis during the night and that Chad would probably be on it for the rest of his life.
He made it very clear that even though Chad had made it through surgery he was still in critical condition and that they had done all that they could do. Shawna looked at the doctor and said “There have been hundreds of people praying specifically for you today…God did a miracle”….
Before we went in to see Chad our friend Jason, who had been praying with us said “Just remember, Chad’s body is going to look bad…..it’s Chad’s spirit that’s in that broken body that you are going in there to see”. I was comforted by his words because when Shawna and I walked in I was taken back by what I saw. The only comparison was seeing someone at a funeral….he was grey…and his fingers were stiff…he looked dead. He had tubes and lines going everywhere…they had left his chest open so that they could get to his heart quickly if needed. All that kept going through my mind was “Chad is in there”…and I laid my hand on his arm expecting it to feel cold but I felt warmth…the warmth of life….how differently this could of turned out. We sang “Cornerstone” and prayed over him…. I kept thanking God for sparing Chad’s life.
Shawna was worried and asked me “Is he on life support? (why in the world she thought I knew anything medical was beyond me)….”No, I don’t think so”…(I lied. I had no clue, it looked like life support to me)..I struggled to bring comfort to her so I just pretended that I knew what I was talking about. “When you are on life support it runs everything…he is only on the vent because they are keeping him sedated because his chest is open and if he were on life support it would be beating his heart and his heart is beating on its own…so he is not on life support” (made sense to me)..Shawna seemed content with my answer and she seemed at peace….little did we know that his heart was hooked 100% to an external pacemaker. We prayed over him and as we were getting ready to leave, my vision began to fade and the room started spinning. (I am by far the biggest loser friend EVER…great, Shawna’s husband is in critical condition and now she is going to have to pick her pathetic “support” person up off the floor).. I thought quick..”Before we leave lets just sit with him a few more minutes”….Shawna said “Ok”..she didn’t question my request and as we sat I willed myself not to faint.
Shawna asked me if I would stay the night with her….she didn’t need to ask…there was no way that I was going to leave her because deep down I was scared that something might happen to Chad in the night. If the doctor left Chad’s chest open so that he could get to his heart at a moments notice I assumed that he felt the same way.
We were both in a daze because we knew that we had seen a miracle…. we knew that God had spared Chad’s life. His body was broken and had failed…everything was against him…his surgery lasted 12 hrs, his kidneys were failing, he was bleeding uncontrollably, they transferred 13 units of blood and 12 units of plasma into his body, his body was replenished with all new blood, as a “last ditch effort” to save him they transferred clotting factors, and his heart was stopped not once but TWICE for a very long time….but Chad’s life didn’t rest in the hands of the doctor…his life rest in the hands of a MIGHTY GOD…!
As the next few days passed we realized that Chad was still very much in critical condition and the list of things that were “seriously wrong” seemed to keep growing but we knew that God was bigger than any complication that was before us. I remember telling Shawna, “Gods God This! He had it yesterday, Hes got it today, and He will get it tomorrow!” I got some poster board and we made a “God’s Got This” poster. We wrote each problem down on the poster and and we prayed about them. It reminded us that God was in control and that we could trust Him with each problem. Each day as healing came, we marked off the problem. The most AMAZING problem that we got to mark off was Chad’s “dead” kidneys…we were told he would probably need dialysis for the rest of his life but God had other plans for those kidneys and they began functioning fully on their own!!! The doctors were puzzled but we weren’t…yet again God was showing us how He is our healer.
We also created a “Team Hudson” poster and starting writing down all the people and churches who were praying for Chad. It was encouraging to see that we were not alone in prayer but that prayers were being lifted up for him around the world.
After a week they decided that it was time for another surgery to close Chad’s chest. I went up again to stay the night so that we could sing and pray over Chad the night before. I don’t know why but this surgery terrified me. I had heard the nurses say things like “hopefully his heart can handle the pressure of his chest being closed”…and he still seemed so fragile. I was a mess inside struggling with doubt, I was so scared that he was going to die in this surgery..that his body would just give in. Its disappointing really, here I had just witnessed a MIRACLE a week ago and now I’m questioning if God would keep Chad alive through another surgery…..I felt like the children of Israel who witnessed the wonders of God through the Red sea and miracles and yet they still doubted that He would take care of them.
It was around 10:00pm the night before the surgery and the nurse told us that Chad’s doctor had been in surgery all day and still hadn’t finished and they thought perhaps they were going to have to move the surgery to the next day so that the surgeon could get rest. Shawna was upset with this news and I was there to be strong for her so even though on the inside I was rejoicing because I was so terrified for him to go back into surgery I said , “Shawna, its Gods timing…if they need to push it back a day then perhaps that’s God’s way of letting Chad get another day of healing”. The next morning they told us that they were going forward with the surgery and Shawna started to panic…she was upset that maybe the doctor was too tired and could make a mistake during the surgery. I said, “Listen, God kept Chad alive while he was bleeding to death on the operating table and if he wants to use a TIRED out doctor to show you His strength he will!”..to be funny I added “and to teach you a lesson on trust he may use a surgeon with only one arm to make you trust him even more!”……
We spent the next few hours praying over Chad and even though I appeared like I had it all together on the outside I was very scared on the inside.
When the surgeon team came in they started preparing Chad to leave and we asked if we could pray with them and I noticed that one of the members of the surgery staff didn’t have a hand except for one finger….I smiled to myself…God was teaching me to trust and I smiled at his humor…. “God’s Got This”….and I finally found peace. The surgery was planned to take 4-5 hrs so Shawna and I stayed in Chad’s room and looked at the “Team Hudson” poster and together we stood and prayed for each name that was written on it…they had been so faithful to pray for Chad so we wanted to pray for them. We went back to Shawna’s room to wait and I said, “I bet they are in the middle of surgery so lets stop and pray”….we had hardly finished our prayer and we got a text message that Chad was done and heading to recovery!!! The surgery to close his chest went flawlessly! We were beyond amazed and speechless….God is so good.
I had planned to stay another night because I wasn’t going to leave the hospital until Chad was awake and off the ventilator and could talk with Shawna…for most people it takes a few days but again I was speechless when they told us that they were taking him off the vent just hrs after his surgery! Here is a man who had been asleep for a WEEK and by that evening he was able to talk and insisted that he sit on the edge of his bed!! When I went in to see him I was overwhelmed by all that God had done. So many nights I prayed for this day and so many nights I wondered if it would happen.
I had held it together all those days and nights for Shawna….. never letting her see my fear but as I stood at the foot of Chad’s bed he raised his hand and waved to me….HE WAVED TO ME!..it was the most incredible sight…HE WAVED TO ME!…he had been barely alive and now he was waving at me…I lost it..(insert ugly snot cry now)….I felt like the biggest burden was lifted from my shoulders…the battle was over…God had won this war. I leaned over to hear Chad’s whisper and he asked “Where’s Ryan and the boys?”…that’s Chad, never concerned about himself…always concerned about everyone else.
