Maybe I’m just feeling emotional….or over sensitive….or maybe I don’t want to face the reality that I have known all along but have never really let sink in.
My oldest son is going to be a teenager in a few months and my husband has been planning and waiting several years for this moment. When each of our 4 boys turn 13, he is going to have a ceremony with other men that have played an important role in my son’s life to initiate him into “manhood”. I can’t think of a greater gift from a father to his son.
I stood in my husband’s office and watched the excitement in his eyes as he was planning this special trip. Where they would go and what they would do…..the adventures they would have. I tried to be excited for him and “fake” my happiness to his face but we have been married 15 yrs and he can read me like a book.
He stopped talking and asked, “What’s wrong?”
Me: “Nothing” (typical)
In my head I lectured myself, “Quit being so selfish….this isn’t about YOU..quit being such a baby”
But then I burst into tears…..
I can’t be a part of my son’s ceremony……because that role is for my husband to fill.
I cried because I won’t ever be able to feel what he is feeling.
He will have a lifetime of “Father and Son” trips and bonding experiences.
I sobbed because sometimes it’s hard being the only girl in the family. It’s like they are apart of a special club with a “No girls Allowed” sign when they are all wrestling and watching “dude” shows and doing “dude” things.
This week I watched my friend plan her daughter’s Sweet 16th Birthday party…..a saw another take her daughter to buy her first “American Girl” doll……another spent the day with her daughter getting their nails done together ….another took her daughter for a weekend shopping trip….another went prom dress shopping… oh, and lets not forget the “Mother and Daughter” Banquet that’s coming up….
I will never do any of these things.
*insert pity party “ugly snot cry” now*
